I put a little posting on the adult vacation forum. Just asking if anyone actually read all this crap that I write and if they did were there any ideas or suggestions? Anyway besides the blubbering walrus I was quite suprised with the response. It actually appears that my writing skills are appreciated, even though my spelling is in English and not American it appears that most of you understand everything that’s going on, which at the moment is quite a lot. Had a nightmare 2 days this week, that twat Mr Google decided to kick most of my keywords out of his index again. This happened last month and took about 4 days for them to re appear, so fingers crossed everyone. Then yesterday that other bastard Mr Pay Pal decides to close my account and won’t give me an option to appeal, so that’s the end of Pay Pal i’m afraid. The thieving bastards took 4% anyway so why worry? The reason for the ousting was because ‘Under the Acceptable Use Policy, PayPal may not be used to send or receive payments or donations for obscene or certain sexually oriented goods or services.’ Personaly I think one of those snotty women who fake an orgasm has reported me. So with this happening and the Walrus questioning my grammar and my Dutch comrade getting pissed that I have advertised that the Netherlands means “the underpants” in Dutch and then paying to listen to my beloved Leeds United get beaten again plus my normal in house shit with the missus it’s been a bit of a nightmare. What better way to try and recover from this than visiting the adult resort for a bit of relaxation? I thought yesterday would be a good time to try and get a few pics of the new chicas and also drown in a few dozen polars, so that’s what happened. Vivi is now back at the resort, her Mother is back home and hopefully on the way to recovery. The problem with Vivi is that she has a tendancy to take her clothes off all the time, this is ok for you guys but not very good for me when all I want is a normal snapshot for the total satisfaction family album. So after a few takes here and there, up rode Roy Rogers sister, hat and all. I will have to get some of these up on the site or the board soon but will wait for the rest of the platoon to ride in. We are full for nearly all March now so there will be about 20 girls here, this will give me a chance to get some decent shots I hope. It will be a fucking nightmare month with 20 of them here, I cannot imagine how we will cope. We have 17 days booked with 10 guys and the rest are all 7’s and 8’s. At least I don’t have the Walrus and his trusty side kick here to worry about?? Anyway after the photo shoot I necked a few cold ones inthe traditional style and somehow managed to get my self home in 1 piece. I tried the straight walk approach to the bedroom, you know how it is when you fancy a fuck but don’t want to let the wife know that you’ve had a few?? But after stumbling twice, putting my sandals on the wrong feet and falling through the shower door, she kind of refused in the way that only she can. I promise you if she hits me again I am gonna fuck off and live in Panama, no maybe that’s too close, maybe I should try Kazakhstan, and live next door to Borat. I bet the Yanks love him, and what about the Jews? How can someone get away with that shit? Can you imagine the critisism I would receive if I took the piss out of people in the way that he did in his film? Great stuff, British humour at it’s best, go Sasha Cohen go. If he ever want’s to do a movie about the Canadians, I have just the man for him to visit. The problem we have when we get a lot of girls here is that we aren’t always sure how they will adapt to working at the resort, this is a potential problem for me, guys complaining about lack of oral skills etc are not good for business so I am thinking of taking the plunge and becomming the resorts test pilot. I tried to recruit locally but with so many gays here it would be impossible to rate the performance of the girls from a locals opinion. Also, except for those with Yorkshire ancestrial blood in them they all have little dicks. I think that all those complaints from the bored housewifes was from women with Latino hubbies, that can be the only explanation for such a huge gay percentage here. So it’s on with old pyjamas I think, I have a pair with a Springbok embroided on them, that’s from the days when I used to fuck for Africa.

I started writing this last night, the power tripped 3 times whilst trying to complete it, sort of an omen I thought so I copied what I had and left it to complete today.

Anyway after the dozens of complaints from women about yesterdays adult vacation blog it would appear that I hit a soft spot. Or in Marjories case I hit the furry front button. Anyway all this chaos got me thinking about a few things. Firstly to all you females, wifes, girlfriends, dykes and spinsters to name but a few, if you don’t like what I write, fuck off and read something else. This is my blog and I will write what I want and not what you split arses want. Anyway I want to be fair to all women so I have done some more research on their behalf. Guess what guy’s, most of them are bullshitters. They compain we don’t give em enough yet they are all faking fucking orgasm’s. What’s all that about?

The two most common reasons women give for faking orgasms are to make their male partners feel better and to end sex when they are tired. Women report feeling like their male partners are not satisfied until they “give” their female partner an orgasm, thus sex will continue until the woman either has an orgasm, or fakes orgasm. So how can they complain they aren’t getting it, yet when they get it, they want it to finish? Is it any wonder we all think they are unusual creatures. Anyone who can bleed for 4 days a month and survive as always been unusual in my books. Anyway here we are at home with a 7am piss cock and it needs emptying. If you were here at Total Satisfaction Holidays it would be easy, just nudge your bed partner and get going. But no, here you are at home with your missus, or maybe someone elses missus and she wakes up to share your morning glory. Now remember guys, this is the twat who has just told the world about not getting enough so you think OK, I will do my duty and keep the old cow quite, and maybe happy, if it’s at all possible to keep a women happy without spending any money? So off you go, give it your best performance and what does she do? She fakes a fucking orgasm, just to keep you happy? This makes no sense to me at all. Why don’t they just put up or shut up? Faking Orgasm’s is a form of deception and should carry a mandatory sentence of at least 5 years with no Credit Card. That would make them think wouldn’t it, no hairdressers or shopping trips for 5 years. Fuck it I wish I could keep mine away from the hairdressers for 5 weeks never mind 5 years.

Anyway as always, major World research was conducted and here’s what the findings were.

Fake Orgasms in Denmark.

A simple brain scan can spot whether a woman is faking an orgasm or not, a major fertility conference has heard.Researchers found that when a woman is faking, a part of the brain under conscious control lights up, while real orgasms occur subconsciously.Professor Holstege said: “Women can imitate orgasm quite well.” But with genuine orgasm, he said: “What we see is an extreme deactivation of large portions of the brain and especially the emotional parts involved with fear. “If you look at the women who faked orgasm intentionally you see the motor cortex – the conscious part of the brain – is activated. “This means the movements that we make in [real] orgasm are not conscious.

Sex Advisor Pauls Comments.

Load of crap, how can anyone measure a womens brain, this is known to be a scientific impossibility. So Denmark stop trying to work with the impossible, I would suggest that your women have no brains and if Norse is anything to go by, the men don’t have much more. How can a great Danish Warrior wear a blue and white hooped shirt and support Reading F.C.? Enough said, case closed.

Fake Orgasms in Holland.

Scientists from the Netherlands have been conducting groundbreaking research on women’s orgasms.
What other country than the Netherlands — which means “the underpants” in Dutch — would be loose enough to chase this sort of study? According to an article that ran in this newspaper, research indicates that the parts of the brain that govern fear and anxiety are switched off when a woman has an orgasm. Conversely, that part of the female brain keeps working if the woman is just making it up.

Sex Advisor Pauls Comments.

I can’t beleive this, now the Dutch or ‘underpants’ are on the save diagnosis. Now I must be carefull here as my good friend and net guru Hans is over there in Tulip Country but I have got to ask, how can anyone who smokes green shit and wears wooden shoes with no laces have an orgasm anyway? So not much use taking that as a serious conclusion either.

Fake Orgasms in the UK.

In a survey conducted with 40 couples from the South of England and 40 couples from the North, Leeds actually it was found that 30% of women in the South faked an orgasm, it was also thought that another 55% may of faked an orgasm but no one could understand there dialect so it was impossible to prove conclusive. Of the 30% most were from the Reading area of the South of England. In the survey with the couples from the North of England 100% of the women had an orgasm. It was noted that all women from the North are honest and not known to lie and also that the Leeds area is renowned for breeding men with enormous dicks.

Sex Advisor Pauls Comments.

I am not at all suprised with these findings, Reading is a well known area for guys with small dicks, there was a report last year on the Island that a man was seen removing a blue and white hooped shirt and then proceding to strip naked before taking a midnight dip. Whilst the police were investigating this incident a profile was built. Tall, strange accent, fat belly, small dick. It took no time for them to pin point Chris from Reading as being the culprit. Luckily fines for male skinny dipping here go on the size of your manhood and Chris only had to pay 2 pence. The findings from the North are also no suprise to anyone who knows the good folk of Yorkshire, where it is well known that even the sheep are frightened.

Fake Orgasms in the US.

I could find nothing at all about the US problem with fake orgasm’s, this is maybe because the US is a Country that doesn’t like to reveal the truth about it’s personal problems. But funny enough I received an email today from my good friend and recent guest Charles. He’s the guy who immigration stopped last week. Here’s what he had to say earlier.

”Paul, Just a short note to let you know how much I enjoyed my stay at your resort. After resting up a few days, I decided to go out to my favorite watering hole to catch a couple of beers. I was not there any more than ten minutes before some chick walked up to me and said, I know what you are looking for. I said baby how can you tell, she said I can tell, I said baby before we go too far you have to realize that I’m on a budget. I said what are we talking about here, she said 1000.00 dollars. She was thinking in terms of $1000.00, I was thinking in terms of 1000 bolivars. I wanted to take a picture of this chick with my cell phone camera, but I didn’t want to make a scene. I’m not very good at the Queens English but as best that I could describe how ugly she was in my American slang. She was as ugly as a bag full of ass holes. Man thats ugly !! Before I make my next trip to paradise, I decided to get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my prick. I have not met a woman in this world who didn’t like to blow a hundred dollars. I will be contacting you as soon as my tattoo heals.”

We still haven’t got to the bottom of anything yet, except to prove that women are liars and that all the Dutch and Danish Doctors who conducted the above surveys are also Women. Talking of researchers and Doctors, whilst getting all this info together I came upon an interesting article about guys faking orgasm’s, now how a guy can fake one is beyond me. What does he do, bend her over, screw the shit out of her and then as scream as he pulls his cock out and start spitting all over her arse?? Just imagine if he’s a Red Neck? all that tobacco juice would take some explaining. Anyway here’s what I came up with.

The Economics of Faking Orgasm.

Hugo Mialon is a graduate student who spends a lot of time thinking about orgasms. This by itself is perhaps not terribly atypical. But Mialon, at least part of the time, thinks about orgasms in connection with his dissertation research. Like so many before him, Mialon was led to focus on orgasms through the study of constitutional law. More specifically, he was thinking hard about the Fourth Amendment. He then turns from the Fourth Amendment to the Fifth, and the defendant’s right to remain silent during a trial. The Fifth Amendment increases the number of wrongful acquittals (which is bad) and reduces the number of wrongful convictions (which is good). Is that bad or good or not? “Is it better to let 10 guilty men go free than to convict one who’s innocent,” as if a sufficiently bold statement obviates any need for a supporting analysis. But Mialon’s key point is that you can’t analyze the Fifth Amendment without considering the fact that defendants sometimes lie, and juries sometimes try to figure out when they’re lying. That’s where the Orgasm’s come in. Lovers sometimes fake orgasms, and their partners sometimes try to figure out when they’re faking. So it’s only natural that an intellectual journey around the Fifth Amendment should include a side trip into the economics of faking orgasm.

According to the 2000 Orgasm Survey 72 percent of women have faked at least once in their current or most recent relationship, and 55 percent of men say they can tell when their partner’s faking. Apparently someone’s deluded, though it’s not clear whether it’s the woman who overestimates her acting ability or the man who overestimates his perceptiveness. Be that as it may, Mialon uses game theory to investigate why women (sometimes) fake and why men (sometimes) doubt them. I’m not sure I buy all his assumptions, but he makes a reasonable first pass at the problem. The obvious reason to fake is to please your partner. But what about a woman who doesn’t particularly care about her partner? Might she still fake? Mialon concocts a scenario—though a contrived one—where the answer is yes. Suppose Adam is very insecure and always suspects Eve of faking. Suppose the one thing Eve really hates is having a partner who’s always wrong. Then since Adam always thinks she’s faking, she has to fake to make him right. Eve’s fakery reinforces Adam’s skepticism and Adam’s skepticism reinforces Eve’s fakery, so we have what economists call equilibrium.
On the other hand, this equilibrium holds up only if Adam has a good reason to be insecure in the first place. Why might Adam be insecure? Well, it’s thought that women reach the peak of their sexual responsiveness around age 30. So if Eve is very far from age 30 in either direction, her age might be enough to trigger Adam’s insecurity. Thus Mialon predicts that very young and very old women are more likely to fake than women in their 30s. Things get much more complicated—and much more realistic—if Adam and Eve are in love, in which case they care about each others’ happiness and care about keeping each other interested. A bit of elementary game theory leads Mialon to conclude that women are more likely to fake when they’re in love, and that this effect is magnified when women are far from the age of 30.

And yes, some men fake orgasms too—24 percent of them, according to the Orgasm Survey. Mialon’s game theory tells him that love has less effect on men’s probability of faking than on women’s. These and other testable predictions are borne out by the results of the Orgasm Survey, which also reveals the curious fact that highly educated women are the most likely to fake their orgasms.

Well I think that sex and academic research complement each other nicely, since you can do either one while thinking about the other. How many times do we count to 10,000 whilst fucking to try and prolong the sensation?? Don’t laugh you bastards we have all done it. I don’t know what Hugo Mialon thinks about when he’s having sex (perhaps if he were asked, he’d probably say the Fifth Amendment), but he’s certainly a strange one, maybe he’s Italian which would explain a lot, the Italians been mostly gay, if you know what I mean?? I mean how else would he know that men fake orgasm’s? I would also fake one if I had to shit stabbing, now that is something that can’t be a natural act, but it’s something I commend. I mean think about it, get more puffters out there and we have more pussey available. It makes sense guy’s, vote for all these gay rights, gay marriages and gay everything else, the more the merrier as far as i’m concerned.

I was feeling a bit stiff this morning, actually was quite impressed with myself. Of course after the ritual 7am piss it all dissapeared and my idea of keeping it in it’s former state and maybe go on a sex romp went down the loo with the contents of last nights gallon of polar ice. It was at this time that I got to thinking ‘does size really matter’? Well I thought of asking the missus but didn’t want to get the obvious answer that would no doubt make me feel like I was back at infant school so I decided to a bit of research into it.

Medical Theory.

One thing that men can be assured of is that the size of your penis has no relation to sexual pleasure or performance. Performance is about the ability to get and maintain an erection or to provide sexual pleasure to your partner and yourself with or without an erection. Performance, then, is not really related to size — but dependent on muscles, blood and nerve supply to the reproductive organs.

So we are probably all in agreement with the Doctors. Size doesn’t matter and women should just be thankfull that we are willing to put our meat and 2 veg in that Kipper smelling rat hole that is known to drip with piss drops on occassions.

Condom Manufacturers Theory.

Recently, some condom manufacturers have come to the conclusion that size does matter — for your safety. Major industries like Trojan and Durex, as well as some smaller brand names, have started to change the “one-size-fits all” mentality for condoms. According to an article by Condomania Chief Executive Officer Adam Glickman, a Durex study showed 44 percent of men have experienced condom malfunction, such as slippage.

Men who are fairly smaller than usual should be careful not to indulge their egos and buy condoms they know will be too big. This can cause all kinds of trouble after intercourse, leaving behind not only the worry of ineffectiveness from slippage, but as Reinisch warns, maybe the whole condom as well.

This would seem to me to be a grey area. What the fuck is slippage? Is this the dick slipping out of the rain coat or is it flopping around in that hole that’s had 5 kids and 3 mile of dick in it, because these things can get big man, shit I knew a woman who had a cavity so big you could echo the theme from the Sound of Music in it. So sorry Mr Condom maker, we don’t agree with you at all. What you are really saying is that now China has opened it’s doors to outside enterprises you want to grab a share of the little dick market, but to make your more adequate customers from places like the UK, especially the Leeds area where they are renowned for the size of their manhoods you come up with all this shit about slippage. Well Bollocks, we don’t buy that shit.

Womens Theory.

Carol, 27, reported how good it felt having sex with a man who complained he was too small. She said “Even though ten inches didn’t make him the largest partner I’d ever had, we still had great sex.

It would appear that carol gets her inches and centimeters mixed up. Obviously a blonde hooker from the deep south. There is no way we can agree with someone who is obviously illiterate.

Marjorie, 43, sobbed: “When we were first married, my husband’s thingy was just sufficient to generate a pleasing amount of friction inside my furry front bottom. However, every time I had a child, it shrank! Finally, after the triplets, his willy had all but disappeared. Nobody told me about that. It’s so unfair I haven’t had an orgasm in thirteen years.”

Well sorry Marjorie, but anyone calling a Rat Hole a furry front bottom has definatly got a hairy arse as well. Now how can a man get aroused looking at a big hairy clump whilst your are bent over the bed ready to be rear ended. So our sympathy goes to your hubby who should receive a medal larger than a dustbin lid for putting up with such an ungratefull twat as you. 13 years, several kids, then triplets, and he shrank?? What the fuck are you talking about? Your furry front bottom as expanded you thick twat. So we don’t agree with Marjorie.

Sex Advisor Pauls Theory. From a genuine case study.
Men love their Dicks. From the time he is born, a man’s Dick becomes his best friend . He will love it, fondle it, get mad at it (especially when it stops working, take note the Feav), respect it, listen to its opinion, and get in trouble for it.

Men are obsessed with their Dick’s, even if they don’t realize it. Most men live in constant fear that their manhood is not big enough. What they don’t realize is that a recent study, involving 800 men of all shapes, races, and sizes, concluded that the average penis size is 5.5 inches .

So there you have it guy’s, size doesn’t matter at all. If it does, then do what I do. Use the fucker before 7am.

As always on a Sunday, I like to spend some time with the kids. Depending on the mood we either lounge around or go and do some kind of activity. Today we were having a debate on what to do, the choice was the bowling alley or a leisurely sunday afternoon drive. It may take some believing but I am the boss of the house not Ana, so I have done what all great democratic leaders do, I made the decision for everyone. It’s the bowling alley. How the fuck can we take a drive around the Island when Frank, along with a lot of taxi drivers have the day off? Can you imagine driving on a small Island with all these Latino Evil Knievels driving round. Come on, Frank is dying to hit someone, he hasn’t hit a motor cyclist for at least 3 weeks, he’s just itching to get out there and do some damage.

Arlo Guthrie the American folk singer wrote a song about a guy on a Motor Cycle. The Chorus was like this.

This song is about the time that I was ridin’ my motorcycle. Going down a mountain road, at 150 miles an hour, playin’ my guitar. On one side of the mountain road there was a mountain, and on the other side there was nothin’ – there was a cliff in the air.

There should be a different version of the chorus line and dedicate it to Frank and the rest of those maniacs who drive around here in their white ‘Licenced to Kill’ machines.

This song is about the time that I was ridin’ my motorcycle. Going down a loenly Island road, at 150 miles an hour, playin’ my guitar. On one side of the mountain road there was Frank, and on the other side there was his Amigo’ – there was death in the air.

It’s official and well documented that Frank hates Motor Cycles, he say’s they are noisy, they have a shitty habit of sneaking up behind him.This causes him problems with his impaired vision, I have suggested a rear view and 2 side mirrors may assist him, but he doesn’t seem impressed with that idea. The fact that they have the ability to zig and zag at speed around obstacles with devil-may-care intimacy pisses him off, he thinks he is the only one allowed to do that, even if it is on 4 wheels. Well 2 good wheels, a iffy one and 1 with a tyre with less tread than a desert camel traders sandals. Be warned all of you thinking of renting anything smaller than a sherman tank, especially any 2 wheeled vehicles, frank is out there, and believe me, he will get you.

Got back last night from my Panama trip. I haven’t decided what my feelings are about the trip yet. I went and looked at the hotel which were thinking about turning into our second Adult Resort. The premises were ok, 12 rooms, nice pool and it has potential, that’s for sure. The only stumbling block is the distance from Panama City, it was a 1 hour 45 minute drive. So from the airport you could be looking at 2 hours. Once you are there, all you have is a beach, maybe a 2 minute walk and not a bad beach. But there is nothing else to do. If you want the cinema or some nightlife it’s a taxi back to the city. This just doesn’t appeal to me at all and I am sure it won’t appeal to the guys. So at the moment, we are looking for other premises. Another alternative would be to get a large house in the City area, with a pool etc and just cater for 4 guys at a time, but once again this would then lose the appeal to guests who like to bond with fellow travellers, which is one of the highlights of our vacations, you actually meet friends for life. It’s not just about the girls. So it looks like I am still running around with my head up my arse trying to find a location. I really like Panama and think it has great potential, but if we have to go elsewhere we will, Dominican republic, Coata Rica are 2 that we may have to put back in the equation.

Last night when I returned I went straight to the resort, we have 10 guys at the moment so it’s pretty hectic. Got some nice looking girls too, I will get some pics over the weekend and try and get them on the site and the Adult Travel Forum early next week. Saying ‘nice looking girls’ also has a grey area, my idea of nice may not be someone elses, so you will just have to take my word for it. What is nice anyway, legs, tits, face, personality. Very grey area. Look at The Feav for example, I think he’s a great guy, but shit, I wouldn’t choose him for a date on looks, there again maybe I would, I never did have good taste, I mean look at my missus. Now if ever there is a case for making a bad choice that would be it. Whilst I was in Panama last week I thought about getting a tattoo done of a witch on a broomstick, then putting the name Ana underneath. However common sense prevailed, or should I say my cowards instinct hit home and reminded me that she would kick the shit out of me if I was to do that. So being the brave soul I am I deceided to leave it. So the broomstick’s out, I will need to re-think a strategy plan to show my devotion for her. Letter bombs don’t work because the postal service here isn’t very reliable, I can just imagine someone sending a letter bomb here, there would be pieces of postmen splattered everywhere because they would never get the parcel to anyones house on time.

Just got the results from the game, Wolves 1 Leeds Utd 0 so that’s my weekend fucked again. Shit I hate Saturdays at the moment. I cannot believe how we have got ourselves in so much shit in this division. It’s really serious at the moment. 12 games to go and if we don’t get a miracle very quickly we are doomed. The lowest league position in 80 odd years. A 1 team city with a population of 800,000 and here we are looking at having a local derby next year with Doncaster. Talk about a nightmare? As usual we are trying to do our bit here by dressing everyone in Leeds Shirts and tuning in every Saturday to listen to the match. To make things worse, the scum go and rob a last minute goal to get 3 points. Talk about kicking a man when he’s down.