Well I got here. Suprise Suprise, the flight was on time too. I am having 2 days in Miami, staying with a good friend of mine. A visitor of mine on the Island so I will be well looked after. Miami is great, if you speak Spanish. It’s full of Cubans, Venezuelans, Puerto Rican’s and every other Spanish speaking Country, they all live here. If you can’t speak Spanish, keep away. Even the immigration oficers are all Spanish speaking. And Expensive? You can’t image how expensive, a meal for 3 last night, just 3 starters, 3 pasta dishes and 1 botle of wine. $350-00. No sorry guys no more of this shit for me. I mean if you want value for money then you need an adult vacation at our Sex Resort just hit the web site http://www.totalsatisfactionadultholidays.co.uk/ and find out how to have 24 hours with a starter, main course and bottle of wine, plus a girl all day and night for the same price as a meal in Miami. I would like to bring ANa here, but the visa restrictions prohibit it at the moment, so unless she swims with the Cubans she ain’t got a chance at the moment. But she would definiatly like it here, Spanish shops, Spanish bars, Spanish everything and all in the US. Weird place this, you must have a Ferrari, a Porche or a Skateboard. I have never seen so many 30 and 40 year olds on skateboards, it’s a weird site, I promise. It does have a vibe about it here but I just haven’t put my finger on what it is yet. But you know me? I will soon.

I am having to keep up with the cricket via the web at the moment and am interested to see that the Jamaican Police now have the same thoughts as me about the murder of Bob Woolmer. Police are continuing to review CCTV footage of the hotel in the hope of identifying a suspect. They are also examining the hard drive of Woolmer’s computer for anything which might establish a motive for the murder. Detectives believe Woolmer probably knew his killer – or killers – as there were no signs of forced entry into his room and none of his belongings had been stolen. There has been speculation that the murder is connected to match-fixing allegations which have haunted cricket for the past decade. Several Pakistan players were fined and banned from the game after being found guilty of match-fixing by a judicial commission in the late 1990s. So you see, I do have some serious opinions sometimes.

My latest concern is about the British Military hostages being held in Iran. I don’t have to tell anyone who knows me what my thoughts are on this and those Iranians are lucky that Maggie isn’t still in power in the UK, there is no way she would put up with this shit.

I will keep everyone updated with what’s happening as I go along this journey. Next stop, Panama City.

I hate waiting, living here doesn’t give you much choice, but it still doesn’t change the fact that I hate it.

Everyone who visits our Adult Resort knows my advice about waiting for the girls. If you book a taxi to go out at 8pm, tell the girl that the taxi’s coming at 7pm. That way she may be ready on time. Trust me on this guys, I am talking from experience.

Going to the Supermarket with me is a fucking nightmare according to Ana. I don’t mind browsing the supermarket, shit I’ve had a few restaurants and I always shopped for my own produce, that way you get the quality you want and if the quality isn’t there you go and look somewhere else. Anyway, I can quite happily spend 2 hours walking around the supermarket, pushing the trolley like a devoted husband, sneaking the odd bar of chocolate in the trolley when she’s not looking, sometimes I sneak some of those jelly sweets in and bury them under the eggs and bread so she doesn’t see them. You know the ones, shaped like snakes and fish, you must always get 1 packet of the sour ones though. Then when you are sat watching a film with your chocolate and bag of  jelly sweets and the kids come up and ask you to share some of the sweets you give them a few of the sour ones first, you can see the agony in there face as tears rush to there eyes, they are fucking horrible are the sour ones, believe me, After 2 of those the kids fuck off and don’t bother you again. So remember always buy at least 1 bag of the sour ones. They work with dogs too, Bobby my trusty Rottweiler hates them too, so after they have all left you in peace you get back to the ordinary sweets and the chocolate with no more interference.

So there I am, 2 hours being the model husband, pushing the trolley around the supermarket and we get to the till. Now this is the part that gets right up my nose. You queue for 10 minutes, 20 minutes, sometimes longer. You just get to the front and start shoving the shit down the conveyor belt and the inevitable happens. Some twat comes to the front and starts talking to the till assistant, they stop fucking working and start nattering to some prick who may have a loaf and a bog roll in a basket, I’ve been waiting 30 minutes in a queue after spending 2 hours filling a trolley that’s as big as a hummer and I must now wait for this twat. Fuck that, I just walk. I leave the lot on the belt, some has already gone through the scanner and the rest is in the trolley and I walk out. She goes fucking ballistic does Ana, calls me all the vulgar English she can, I sometimes wonder how she knows so many swear words in English??  Bollocks to em I say, I just hate waiting.

It’s funny I should talk about waiting as I am sat in Caracas Airport at the moment, not on my way to the Adult Resort but on my journey to Miami and then Panama. I am traveling from Caracas with Aeropostal, now that’s a brave decision, is it not? I mean they are the worlds worst timekeepers, couldn’t give a flying fuck about customer realations. I mean if the 3pm to Margarita is only half full and the 5-30pm is also half full they just cancel the 3pm flight and stick everyone on the 5-30. So today I am being brave, I am flying with Aeropostal. Actually I’m not really being brave, I’m being tight. This was the cheapest flight available, you all know how I like to save a penny or two? Just because it’s cheap doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be punctual though. I have dreams of a flight on time, sat in a low number window seat next to a stunning 25 year old beauty. In reality it will probably be delayed 3 hours, I will get the back row, right in front of the crappers and be wedged in between some overweight, hamburger and 6 fries guzzling American and his fucking spotty sister. Why do they eat so much in America? I can never work it out, all that fast food shit they eat. Fuck if my Dad asked my Mum for some food and she produced it in less than 30 minutes, she’s be out. End of story. Listen you Cross Atlantic cousins, eat a balanced diet instead of all that Hamburger and Pizza shit. Fish and Chips is what you want, and a few pints down your neck. Or a Donner Kebab, extra chilli after a few pints. Oh I forget to mention, chips are what you fuckers call Fries. How did that word come up, fries?? I mean how do we define Fries, maybe ChrisV will look it up for me. But serious guys get on the health track or you will be getting the dear fat bastard emails that I now get in abundance every day. If you read my blog fromthe other day, you will see, it’s getting serious. 

Well there’s no Club Soccer today as it’s the Euro 98 qualifiers. So it’s off with the white Leeds United shirt and on with the white England shirt as we get ready for the big game. England v’s the Jews in Tel Aviv. Should of been a piece of piss this one. But as we all know things don’t always go as planned. I can see a few old guests of mine with big smiley faces tonight. England’s hopes of qualifying for the 2008 European Championships have suffered a big setback as they were held to a disappointing goalless draw by Israel in Tel Aviv. A section of the 4,000 England fans started chanting ‘What a load of rubbish’ and then ‘You don’t know what you’re doing’ during the closing stages of a match of few clear-cut chances. After the game England Coach Steve McClaren criticised his side for lacking ruthlessness.”Disappointed, frustrated,” was his reaction to the draw. Fucking disappointed? England have now failed to score in four competitive matches and McClaren has admitted that it was becoming an issue. Well here’s some advice for you McClaren, you scum twat, why don’t you go back to manchester where you belong and then we can get a coach in who know’s what he’s doing. Fuck me, we lose to a Country who’s only sport they were ever any good was Hop Scotch in the fucking mine fields and he’s disappointed? If you ever fancy a Sex Vacation McClaren, do me a favour, go visit Alexis in the DR, you will feel at home there, all his customers are fucking disappointed. The Jews only put in 6 hours of practice last week and that was directing missiles at Lebanon, and we still can’t beat them. What the fuck is going on??

The results from elsewhere did nothing to help our cause either. Russia won 2-0 in Estonia, while Croatia came from behind to net a last-minute winner at home to Macedonia. England now trail the Croatians by five points and the Russians by three, all three sides having played five matches so far. So that’s it for us, we are once again doomed. Now I have nothing against all you guys from Israel, I mean I am in Miami tomorrow and will stay with friends who eat the old kosher grub so it’s not personal, you just don’t have a reputation for being any good at soccer. To lose to you is like losing one’s wife to someone like ChrisV, it’s fucking embarrassing. If you don’t agree with me, then leave a comment, I have just found out how to work the comment thing so feel free to start commenting. Whilst on the comments topic, thanks to the guy’s who did send comments yeaterday, I approved 2, I didn’t approve the 3rd because it was derogatory about Leeds United, so whoever it was who did it, I am waiting for you to come to the resort you bastard.

Anyway after the shit with the soccer I tuned into our other Sport. Cricket. For all you guys in the US, this month is the Cricket World Cup, held in the West Indies. England don’t have a chance, I shout for South Africa and as long as those Convicts from Australia get stuffed I really don’t give a toss who wins. It is after all a gentlemens game. Or it was until the Pakistani Coach Bob Woolmer was murdered in his hotel room. Woolmer, a former England player, was found unconscious in his room last Sunday, the day after Pakistan were knocked out of the World Cup by Ireland. Detectives in Jamaica believe he probably knew his killer – or killers – as there were no signs of forced entry into his room and none of his belongings had been stolen. What is happening with the world, did he forget his Al-Queda subscriptions or was it the bookmakers doing him in because the Pakis got beat by Ireland last Saturday and a large terrorist support group had a big bet on the Paki’s to win? Some strange shit going on there believe me. Can you imagine it, the Jews in the finals of the Euro championships, when they aren’t even European and the fucking Paddy’s in the last 8 of the Cricket World Cup??

Had quite a few mails yesterday regarding the shit I wrote about politics. Amazing how people take things serious. I am not anti US, I am not a racist, I am not interested in my bad spelling, fuck off and read something else if you don’t like what I write on here. I must admit I am a Chauvinist which according to my English (Oxford) dictionary means someone who assertively maintains that his or her kind — usually people of the same nationality — are superior; So there you have it, I am proud to be a Brit and I know we are the best, or were till we voted that twat Blair in. I don’t know why I even write about politics when I am trying to give an insight to the vacations that we offer. I suppose that being on site every day it’s difficult to find much to say. Fred screwed Paola, then added Veronica for a 3 some, then he decided he didn’t like the way Paola sucked his dick so he changed for Mimi who happens to be the cousin of the sister of Veronica and gives a good blow job but won’t let you shove it up her arse. Now if I was to put that crap on here every day it would become boring wouldn’t it?

So let’s have a boring day and let me take you through a day in the life of me.

It started off with the 10am role call, all hands up for changing chicas shouts Daniella, like lightning the hands of Terry, Ben and Alan shoot up in the air. 11 guests, 8 are happy, 3 want to change, not a bad position. Looking from my side 8 guys are happy. 6 girls are available plus the 3 being released, so 9 to choose from for the 3 guys. Usually the first question at this point is why are you changing, not because i’m a nosey bastard but it’s nice to know of any problems that the girls may have. Terry says he needs a rest, Hilary is killing him, well that’s understandable, when your in your 50’s a little middle age spread round the old mid riff and you are plugged in to a sex machine in her 20’s I suppose you can feel a little worn out. ‘What kind of girl you looking for Terry’? ‘Well I would like someone who will let me have little more rest’ mmm!!!! ‘Well we have a cleaner and a kitchen helper who may be able to give you a little more rest’ besides that you ain’t got a prayer. This is after all a vacation that involves sex, why not discipline and pace yourself I ask? That way you may not feel so knackered. What’s he do? He picks another mechanical fucking machine who will no doubt give him a cardiac arrest before he leaves. As long as he’s happy, who gives a toss? Next up was Ben, poor Ben, 74 years old and running round here like a dog with 2 dicks. As a retired coroner he is well aware of the bits of human body that function better than others. He just wanted to change as he didn’t want to spoil his routine of changing every day. I like Ben, he’s great, running round here like a re-born Eunuch, totally maintenance free. Last but not least we had Alan, on his second day and decided that the girl he chose on arrival just didn’t burn his candle, not his type he said so he went for another one. fair play, no problem we are all happy.

It’s at about this time, after all the hard work that I decide it’s time for a beer, I mean you all know how hot and sticky it can get here? Alas with Ana in the vicinity I have to make do with coffee and hope she’ll piss off to town quickly. She has to go soon to buy all the new bedding. You guys must please stop all that oil and massage rub shit, it marks the covers and people think we’re scruffy, which being English is impossible, if you know what I mean? I am getting the old symptoms of boredom now, no beers, all the guys are going out, beach, shopping, go cart racing, all the usual shit and I am wondering what I can do, my managers hiding because he know’s I am pissed off with him for telling Ana about the covers for the bed. $3000 it’s costing so you can imagine me at this stage. I am not famous for spending money so this is a bit of a shock. What to do now? then I hear him, there’s only one vehicle can sound like this, yes here he comes, motor cycle chaser Frank. Great now I will have blowing in 1 ear and him in the other, time for an emergency exit. So off I go to the office to answer a few mails and other stuff I do daily, takes me about 25 minutes to get here. I just get sat in the office, cup of coffe and a Marlborough and she’s on the phone. Where are you? What are you doing? Why didn’t you wait for me, all the usual crap, you all know what’s she’s like. She can be a bit like flu, takes fucking ages to get her away from you. So 47 excuses later and I am back writing this little article and the resort call. Gary’s back from the beach with Steve, they are asking where you are? ‘Why what’s wrong now’? ‘Nothing, they wondered if you fancied a beer with them at the bar’? There we go 9 minutes later I am sat at the bar, having a few beers, talking a lot of shit and generally having a good time. For some reason a lot of guys like to sit at the bar and talk to me. I haven’t got a fucking clue why, outside Leeds United and Boxing there’s not a lot I can talk about really. At least these 2 fine gentlemen have got me an excuse for a few beers, even though she is blowing smoke and flames through her nostrils. ‘Customer relations dear’ that’s my new one, I didn’t fancy a beer but go on I will force a dozen all in the name of customer relations. It’s knocking a bit now, sort of 6pm and the guys and girls are all returning after there day, wherever they went. 1 girl won’t talk to the guest because he crashed into her at the go carts, which according to her cost her the checkerd flag, however I heard from Tony that she was 1 lap behind when she was rammed hard up the rear end. Nothing new there then. 2 hours later, still propping up the bar, my face scolded with all the fire that she’s been spitting at me and I decide I will be a good boy and go home. I mean 8 hours at work is enough for anyone, I may not earn much but I like to make sure my clock card has a full shift stamped on it. Back to the office and carry on writing this whilst checking emails and any complaints on the message board. The community we have created on the board is getting big now, 5232 members, not bad for a small piss willy business. Usual crap, lot’s of pm’s asking about things, I just delete most of the fuckers, emails are for corresponding, I really find it difficult to follow all the pm’s there’s no organization to it, no filing, I think pm’s were actually invented for women. I mean they are the most unorganized things walking. They don’t mind answering a question that they answered 3 days ago but forgot about it because they didn’t organize the fucking files. Hey guys, if you pm me and I don’t answer, mail me, that way I will get it and reply. Unless you’re on aol, that’s another story. I think aol is run by the Pentagon, because I for 1 can never send an email to them. Going through my mails, same shit, most of my mails used to want to extend the size of my prick. I told Ana about this last month and she promised to stop telling people. Anyway I got clever and banned the words in my spam assisin. Any mention of I need a big cock and it just get’s spammed out on auto. This is ok, but what would happen if I had a secret lover mailing me asking for a piece of my 1 eyed vomitting serpent?? I would be fucked wouldn’t I? Hi Paul, I need your big cock tonight, shred, shred it’s gone and I would never know about it. The latest mails now are all about weight loss, ‘your excessive kilo’s are dangerous’ etc. So not only do they know I have a small dick, they also know i’m a fat bastard as well. Who the fuck is giving them all this information? But my favourite is from my secret admirers, these really make day and get Ana jealous, they usually go like this.

Struggling along here again, can’t get anyone with a decent Karaoke system for the Total Satisfaction Idol show. This is causing stress, believe me. I thought we didn’t have much when I lived in Zimbabwe but this is ridiculous. I mean a Karaoke machine, everyone has one, or at least they should have. I will give everyone an update if and when we get a system. I wouldn’t mind but my Simon Cowell shirt and long pants are pressed and ready for action.

We have a full house here still, 10 guys today with 17 chicas, so hectic is the word. Also have quite a few nice new girls at the resort, I will try and get some pics done before I leave at the weekend to go to Panama. I am away for 5 days so unless I get someone to add a blog for me you will all have to read someone else’s shit, because this one won’t be moving.

Richie (Tex Tex) my fellow Leeds United fanatic arrived last night so at least I can converse with someone who speaks my language. I had a good laugh last week when he sent me the following email.

British Drinking Rule

A Paki drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, “In Pakistan
our glasses are so cheap we don’t need to drink from the same glass twice”

A Bengali , obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, “In Bengal we have so much sand to make glasses that we don’t need to drink out of the same glass twice either.

A British girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and drinks it, throws her glass into the air, pulls out her gun and shoots the Paki and the Bengali, and catches her glass. She says, “In Britain we have so many Pakis and Bengalis that we don’t have to drink with the same ones twice.

God Bless Britain

I hope this doesn’t offend anyone, I am not racist, it’s just a joke OK? If it has offended anyone I apologise. I don’t really, why the fuck should I, it’s my blog, I can write what I want. I am thinking about writing about Walrus’s soon, you know those big, fat, slimy, smelly things with a hair growth on there upper lips. It’s just a thing I have at the moment. I wish they still had the seal clubbing season, I would be out there looking for a Walrus or 2 to beat to death. Those bastards at greenpeace and save the world shit have a lot to answer for, taking all our fun away. I must find my old T.Shirt that I wore with pride when living in Africa. Nice and sinple statement it had. ‘Fuck the Rhino’s, Save the Whites’ Didn’t do much good though, the Rhino’s still there. That twat Mugabe should be clubbed as well, that is a prick if I ever saw one. The New York Times had an article that said ‘How bad is inflation in Zimbabwe?’ Well, consider this: at a supermarket near the center of this tatterdemalion capital, toilet paper costs $417. No, not per roll. Four hundred seventeen Zimbabwean dollars is the value of a single two-ply sheet. A roll costs $145,750 — in American currency, about 69 cents. So now we know why they all have shitty arses, at that price you can’t afford a decent wipe. The World Bank reckon inflation will hit 4000% by the end of the year. Now what I don’t understand is this. Bush and Blair send all these troops to Iraq, ok fair play, Saddam was a bit of a bastard, but he never did anything wrong to us did he? Mugabe kills millions, including all the whites, who incidently were Bristish passport holders, he takes all there property, rapes the women and kills the men, what does Bush and Blair do about it? Fuck all, that’s what. Why? Why the fuck are we sorting out the Middle East when our own people are in danger. It’s beyond me. Terrorism you will all be saying, bollocks terrorism. Greedy bastards want the oil, that’s what it’s about, nothing to do with terrorism. Makes me embarrased to say i’m British. Fucking schools in the UK speaking Hurdi or Punjab as a first language, what’s that about. Let’s move to Islamabad and demand that the schools speak English as the first language, then see where that get’s us.

Anyway back to being cool as I usually am. I hate discussing politics, doesn’t matter who we vote for, they are all in for themselves. I may start up my own political party and try and give em a run for their money. At least you’de get honesty, some people may not like what I said but believe me it would be honest. More than we can say about those 2 dick heads.

I wonder if the FBI or MI5 read my blog? Shit I could be refused entry into the US or the UK, can you imagine that, banned for being honest.

So if anyone knows where theres a Walrus Cull going off can you drop me a line, I want to go.