Hello All

I know it has been a few days since i last posted a Blog but i am sure you have not missed me that much.  Believe it or not i have been really busy down here in paradise.  Can you believe i have to take time out from cocktails, massages, and sunset walks on the beach with a young beauty to actually work.  I do not know how i do it but somehow i do find time to go down to the resort and get a few bits and bobs done.  This has been full of fun times.  For example guests arriving with no money because they came in on a magic carpet from timbucktu and when they changed planes in never never land there was no money change faciltiy. These things i can sort out though as i am the master of the universe and after all when it is sorted i can go back to my cocktails and massages.  You guys that have been before will be really jelouse now because as soon as finish writing this i am off to yet another one of our legendary TotalSatisfaction parties.  We though it was time to throw a small do after all the time spent hard at work we all need to unwind, and those cocktails really take it out of you.  There is no real theme for tonights party but for those of you who have been to visit us in the past, you will know that it will definatly envolve lots of cold beer and i dare say there will be a few scantily clad goddesses around the place as well.  I know what you are thinking, how does he do it?

I will tell you

Yes it can be hard sometimes but i never tire of the sight of young women enjoying them selves to the full in just a few pieces of thread that they call clothes. The same goes for the guys, just watching them let go and come out of their shells in heaven for me.  Even if Captain Birdseye from Timbucktu is drinking all the beer that he hasnt paid for yet
it still give me a warm feeling inside.

If i get the time as i will be very busy at the party doing work related things, i may take a few photos and post them on the forum for you all.  I will see may be to busy you guys now how it is.

but here is one to wet your whistle

Hi guys

Just heard the news that Poland and the Ukraine are going to host the Euro 2012 football event.  FANTASTIC.  Very strange choice by all accounts as they were fighting against Countries such as Italy for this honour.  As we all know it comes down to polotics and money.  The reson i think it is fantastic is now they have to build all these stadiums and infastructure to support such a massive event.  This means that all the plumbers, carpantars and builders that have flooded the uk to steal our jobs can fuck off back over there to work.  Or better yet all our contrustion workers now out of work because of the influx of cheap labour can go out there and charge exstortionate rates to build the stadiums.  The money will be comeing out of our pocket somehwere along the line anyway.  Not a bad place to hold it though in my eyes as when all the boys go over to watch the football they can drink cheap booze, look and maybe even partake in a few of there gorgouse women, because we all know they are hot out there.  Even bring back a little souvenir for the missus like an AK47 assault rifle from one of the numerous markets.

Regarless of where it is being held it is still one of the best specticles on earth coming a close second behind the world cup and i will be watching every minute.  For all you Americans out there who are about to say no the super Bowl is the greatest sporting event on earth, i would say bollocks.  The world Cup Final is the most event in the sporting calander.  Probably becase after 3 hours of watching the Super Bowl and only seeing 4 seconds of Action everyone falls asleep, But the advertisments also offer good viewing.

Untill next time Bye bye

Paul lovely littlie write up there and very good spelling for someone from Yorkshire.

Guys what Paul fails to realise is that yes i may talk funny but i was the best thing that ever happened to that County.  Now they have at least one person who doesn’t look like a sack full of smashed crabs.

He is right though when he says i am trying to look after things for him but not as well as he would.  In my last post i wrote about the nightmare that is easter vacation here.  When that finished i thought great things will calm down and i can start to get things done.  Well yes they have calmed down and i would like to get a lot done but i have realised i can’t, not because i can not get around the island but because i JUST DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I AM DOING.  Much of the time i spend to collect my thoughts and think of how i fucked that last email up is spent trying to escape and evade the beast that Paul so effectionatly calls BOBBY.

I tried at first to win the affection of the beast by feeding him ham everytime him headbutted my back door.  This seemed to work at first but i was soon in trouble when i ran out of fucking ham. Now i am just used to watching the TV with a great big animal snarling at me through the fence, but i can say as i have seen them up close he has lovely teeth.

Seriously now, any of you that have been down to visit us in paradise will know that paul has a special connection with the guys here and earns a lot of respect from them, to the point that guys come to see him.  Its funny that a ugly bugger like him could get more attention than some of the girls but it happens.  So anyone coming to us soon expecting a full on political debate at the bar should be warned i will try my best but i am not Paul and never could be.  At the same time though i can talk shit with the best of them so i am not that far behind him.
Take care and hope to see you all soon

Paul hope the fishing goes well buddy

Well I guess all you regular readers will know that Stuart will be the stand in Adult Vacation blogger whilst I am away. I will of course keep adding my own notes whilst I am away, so please everyone, keep checking in daily and support us.
It was a traumatic day for me yesterday as I had to say adios to my loved ones, Ana, the kids, the in laws, Bobby my trusty dog and the numerous other pets we have at the house. Tortoise, Cat, 2 Parakeets, 2 Parrots and an additional Dog. It’s a bit like living in a zoo. And when Frank calls in, we have the Primate section too. Talking of Frank, I can’t believe why so many of you guys drop me in the shit. Now everyone who meets Frank for the first time, uses a seat belt and tell’s him, “Hey Frank, no offense but Paul say’s you’re the worst driver on the Island” ??? Guy’s this is a confidential blog, it’s like the Adult Travel Forum, private. Stop telling him this shit, he is starting to believe you. Then all he does is tell Ana, who cannot and will not hear a bad word about Frank, then I get all the shit. When you se Frank next time, say Hi Frank, Paul say’s you are a great person, an asset to the Company, a great friend, a true Amigo. OK?? Then fasten your seat belt, close your eyes and start praying. I am sat on Air France flight 461 at the moment, looking at the monitor we are about 8 inches West of Paris, or to an Englishman that would be a Cock length. Chris V, shut up. Anyway after packing my crap last night, up bright and early in the morning and once again on another journey. Ana crying at the door, telling me how much she will miss me, yeah right. Kid’s upset because now they have no one to pester for money, Bobby growling, because that’s what he does best. I must get Stewart to try and mail me a pic of Bobby then we can post it on here so everyone know’s what I am talking about, sort of a face to a name scenario. Stuart standing in for me whilst I am away, looking after the office, emails, and helping out at the resort, meeting the arrivals etc, a little bit like I used to do, only not as well as I did it of course. Anyone who’s met Stewart will testify that he’s a great person and you can all look forward to top personal service from him, if you can understand him that is. He’s from Birmingham, the one in the UK, where they all sound like they have a fucking mouthful of glass marbles rattling around in their conversation cavity. Then to make matters worse for everyone he was summoned byGod to move to Yorkshire, which he did of course, I mean this is the most important summons one can get, it’s more important than the Pope summoning a priest to the Vatican for fucking the choir boys up the arse again. Or is that important at all? I have just thought of a theme for my next epic.

Back to Stewart, he’ selected to move to God’s Country, Yorkshire with it’s fine ales, stunning scenery, Emmerdale, Fish and Chips and Leeds United, all in one Country. Problem, we can’t teach him the language, Yorkshire dialect cannot be taught, you are born with it, moving in from the outside, doesn’t mean you will talk like us, you may pick up the odd word and even be able to put a sentence or 2 together, but you won’t ever get it perfect. So now we have a Brummie, with a gob full of marbles, trying to speak the chosen tongue of Yorkshire. Be patient guy’s, treat him like the chicas, talk slowly to him, or use a translator and you wil be fine. He means well and will look after you.

So what do you think of those Catholic Priests and the choir boys then? I personally think they should shoot the fuckers. All this hush hush shit, the Vatican getting these big shot lawyers to protect the perverts. Disgusting, that’s what I say. I would like to approach this devilish subject in depth, but it may be a little delicate, I mean I don’t want to upset people, you know there’s a lot of those left footers out their, including my wife and family, in fact the whole fucking Country here are left footers. What I don’t want to do though is upset the Holy Father himself, or Pope Ben as we know him. I think he’s a bit of a miserable twat that Pope Ben, I much preferred Pope John Paul, I thought he was ok, even though he also did some covering up with those shit stabbers. I wonder if I will ever receive the summons to the Vatican from Benny? You know for services to all men who needed to go on a Sex Vacation and get rid of all frustrations, relax, empty there ball bags etc. we  present you Paul, da da da da, that’s the fanfare, then in I walk and have a cuppa with  Pope Benny. Maybe he’s from Brooklyn and not Poland??

“Hey Pauly how ya doin?”

“I’m doin fine Benny, how you doin?”

“OK Pauly I’m doin OK, although I must admit I am a bit pissed off at the moment

Pauly”

“Sure Benny, because all your Preists have been fucking the choir boys”?

“No you Fuckin idyat, because Rocky just got beat by that Mason Dixon”

and off we go on a marathon conversation, I can use my linguist skills with him too because all these Popes are fucking clever at languages, maybe they learn this early in the career, in case one of the choir boys is a refugee or anything I suppose it’s good to know how to say “now just hold this and stroke it nicely” in 8 different languages, yeah I can understand that. Anyway Benny wants to know if I can help him out advise him on what he should do about all these perverts he has in his ranks. I think I fucked up a bit here, I suggested he should send them all to the resort for a week, get some Pussy instead of all that arsehole crap and that I will even give a discount, send 10 and a Cardinal comes for free, now that’s a good deal I think.

The fires lit at the moment they have that wet wood shit burning, sending all that black smoke, we are waiting for the grey smoke and then the decision is made. I will let everyone know via the message board as this week will of course be full.

I hope I haven’t offended anyone today, if any of you out there have been mistreated in any way by the Catholic Church, then come and join us Protestants at the Church of England, where we have Vicars, who have wifes, you know, like normal people.

Hi Guys

Well Paul left today to go on a adventure around the world, leaving me to do the work.

Firstly i will apologise if this blog takes a dive as i will now be writing it, but Paul may add a few words for us all now and then.

Well our little friend from the USA that needs no mention is digging a bigger hole for himself and you guys that are trying to help are doing a great job and keep up the good work.  YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

Now to more light haerted matters.  As we all know we are coming to the end of easter which for me is a God send.  For those of you that know the Island you will understand this more than others but it has been outragous here for the last week.  The island is completely full of Holiday making Venezuelans all wanting to have a good time.  Unfortunatly for them there spirits have been dampened as you can not drink Alcohol on the island untill the 10th.  Yes i am struggling aswell, as many of you would be. You wake up in the morning and get over the shakes caused by Beer definency in the body and think i know i will go to the beach and relax that will take my mind of it.  Only to get there and have to sit on a rock because the beach is fucking full.  When i say full i mean you cant even see the sand for all the people.  Ok then maybe to the Mall for a movie or dinner, NO FUCKING CHANCE.  You spend an hour queing to get into the car park being serenaded by the horns of angry tourists.  Then you get into the car park find the space, your about to drive in and bang, in jumps the wanker in his Big Ford 450.  THANKS MATE
So away home you go to watch you TV THATS MOSTLY IN SPANISH with no beer and a headache that would kill a marine, only to realise you have to go threw it all tomorrow.

It’s not all bad though as the tourists will all leave the island in the next couple of days and things can go back to normal.

For those of you that are sitting at home reading this and saying to yourself, Whats he got to complain about he is down in the hot weather, hardly any rain, beautiful women everywhere, beaches and on occasion more beer than any man could drink.

I would say YOUR RIGHT.  Lucky fucking me.  I would’nt be anywhere else.

Take care, Stay safe

Untill the next time

Stuart