Love him or hate him, Bernard Manning the great British Comedian is no longer with us. Whether the World will be a better place now is a matter of opinion. So many do gooders around these days, telling what to eat, what to drive, what to say, well Bernard would of just told the lot of them to ‘Get Fucked.’
Manning was one of Britain’s wealthiest comics and, many believed, among the most offensive. His seemingly blatant racism and controversial language remained the subject of some debate until the end. All the people of Pakistani, Indian or African origin, Jews, the Irish, they were all fair game to him. It was a matter of opinion whether or not it was comedy or blatant racism, I like to think about him as a rude, vulgar man from Manchester, but boy oh boy, did he make us laugh?

Man says to his wife: ‘Pack your bags, I’ve won the Lottery.’
She says: ‘What should I pack? Something light, something warm? Where are we going?’
He says: ‘We’re going nowhere. Just pack your bags and fuck off.’

What’s the difference between an Iraqi woman and a pilchard? One’s ugly, greasy, with bulging eyes. The other’s a fish.

A black bloke walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
‘Where’d you get that then?’ said the barman’
‘Oh, you can find them all over the jungle’ said the parrot.

What’s the difference between a dead rat in the road and a dead paki in the road?
There’s swerve marks by the rat.

Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids. He said, ‘For the last
time, I haven’t got your fucking football.’

I went to Liverpool the other day, a local lad said, ‘Can I watch your car for you mister?’
I said, ‘No! And for your information, there’s a Rottweiler in the back.’
The lad said: ‘Put out fires, can he?’

Although the fat twat was born in Manchester,he will always remain a legend in the humour industry of the North of England. He was born in 1930 in one of Manchester’s poorest areas, Ancoats, and throughout his life never liked being far away from the city. He left school at 14 and worked briefly in his father’s greengrocer’s shop before becoming a big-band singer and eventually taking over the Embassy Club in Manchester, where he was the chief performer for 40 years, generating most of his multi-million pound fortune.

Bernard Manning became a household name in the 1970s through Granada TV’s The Comedians. But with the dawn of political correctness, his stand-up routine was considered to be no longer fit for the television schedules. On the northern club circuit, though, he continued to play to packed houses, which, as he claimed, often included people from the ethnic minorities.

Bernard Manning did not endear himself to most people. Journalists, male or female, would be obliged to interview him at his home as the 21-stone comedian sat in his vest and Y-fronts. They would also have to endure a stream of boasts about his Rolls-Royce Silver Spirit, appearing with Dean Martin in Las Vegas and his Royal Command performance and meeting the Queen.

He also espoused simple values, with family relationships their core. “I dragged myself up by my bootlaces. I don’t drink or smoke, I don’t take drugs. I have never been a womaniser. I was brought up right with good parents and I have never been in trouble or harmed no-one. And I love my family.”
His usual foul language and racist reputation made him a high risk for television. His detractors were convinced he was a bigot, while his family and friends insisted it was all an act to pull in the punters, that Manning was one of the kindest, most charitable, most loving men you could meet.
And while Manning’s routine made little attempt to be topical, he could occasionally hint at subversion.
As when, soon after the Falklands war, he told his audience that two soldiers from the conflict were present.
As the jingoistic cheers and ovations rang out, Manning embarrassed the audience by adding: “They’re Argentinians.”

R.I.P. Bernard, you certainly made me laugh.

They play football on a pitch in the heart of the Jamaican woodland. But despite being thousands of miles away from Elland Road their name sounds strangely familiar – meet the OTHER Leeds United.
Unlike their West Yorkshire namesake the team is enjoying a run of success and remains unbeaten, topping the St Elizabeth Parish Division One.
Senior coach Dwight “Blacks” Grey now has one eye on promotion to the Jamaican Major League and a step closer to the paid ranks.
And while his team’s HQ, surrounded by dense tropical woodland, couldn’t be more removed from the red brick terraced streets of Beeston, Blacks does have one thing in common with Ken Bates’s club.
They also have a problem, and same as us in Leeds it’s a financial problem.
There coach explained to the Evening Post Newspaper.
“As you can see the football pitch is very hard and take a toll on the players and also their kit.
“Most of our footballers need new football boots but as we are an amateur side there’s no money in the pot.
“We’re unbeaten but playing in old, tattered kit. If we could get new football gear that would be a tremendous boost to everyone at the club.”
One star in the making is 11-year-old striker Jerome Mebley, who lives in the nearby town of Leeds (Jamaica) where the club takes it name from.
He has been paired with mentor Salmon “Gandy” Christophers, 29, and even trains with the adult side on a Tuesday on their pitch which is a patchwork of tough scrub grass and red soil.
Goalkeeper Maurice Lynch, 34, and Fabian Denton, 23, are just the latest in what has been a long line of injuries.
Coach, and Blacks’ right hand man, Dennis Ellison, 29, said: “Our players get a lot of knee and back injuries because of the pitch which is baked hard by the sun.”
Leeds United Youth Club, to give it its full name, was formed in 1998. And you can often find former Leeds Lady Mayoress Susan Pitter watching from the sidelines.
The 44-year-old, who swapped Chapeltown for working for a holiday firm in Jamaica two years ago, said: “My firm Sandals has bought kit for some of the youth football teams on the island.
“It would be great if someone from West Yorkshire could help out a team which shares the same name as the legendary Leeds United.”
I am seriously thinking of sponsoring this team. My own Leeds United team running around on there sun baked pitch with shirts that say ‘Get Laid at’ on the front and on the back, ‘Total Satisfaction Adult Holidays’. Fuck what a dream come true that would be. I wonder if they have any none Gange smoking whites in the team? No, maybe not. Fuck it where’s there number……..

Adult Humor Disclaimer

If you’re a parent that doesn’t want your child reading pages like this, then you should take one of the following actions: Get some content-filtering web software and block access to this directory.
Don’t give them Internet access and then leave them unsupervised. After all you wouldn’t drive into major city at night, drop off your kid and let them explore on their own. You have to BE a parent.. otherwise you’re just a person that contributed to their DNA, and that’s all.
Get a life! I mean it’s not going to kill them to see it and they have to learn sometime if you expect them to survive in the real world. If they’re completely “innocent” and naive when they turn 18, then they’ll be in a lot of trouble, because people WILL take advantaged of them.

Adult Vacations may be the business we are in but I have always tried to make this site a general theme. It’s like what I think and do, everyday life. What I saw yesterday, what i’d like to see today. Well my missus has told me that she thinks the blog is disgusting and that I am actually offending people, especially potential clients. I got thinking that maybe she is correct, maybe I am offending people with my humour. Well if I am, please don’t take it personal it isn’t meant to be that way. Everyone who has met me will tell that one of my great attributes is that I can laugh at myself as well as others. I like to have a laugh and a joke, be it against Women, Gays, Americans, Australians, Taliban etc. whatever it is, I like to look at the funny side. It hurts me to think people would think I am being rude on a personal basis, because I am not. The only thing I won’t laugh about is my beloved Leeds United, for them I need to cry, but that’s another story for another day. One of the greatest honours I have is that people email me and say how much my staff respect me, this is when I am here or when I am in Europe, for them to say that should indicate that I am not a bad guy at heart. For all you none English readers don’t be offended, I take the piss out of everything but Yorkshire in England. Ask ChrisV what I have to say about Cockneys, that doesn’t mean I don’t like him as a person, ‘well it may’, what I really means is that we should look at topics in a different light, why be a miserable bastard when I can be light hearted. If you have something on your chest then get it off, but try and do it in a way that can bring some fun to people. The larger the problem the larger the tits I suppose would be a punch line for that one. Anyway back to personalities and reading things the wrong way. I think if I can laugh at myself getting stabbed with a needle big enough for an horse while Franks on the phone explaining my pain to everyone I should be able to laugh at other people.
I was trying to find a few good images to with todays scribble and I found this. With it’s unique shape and centre of screen projection, deep blue with the revered yellow and white letters this is a pennant of true significance. The hallowed yellow scarf can be seen just below it on the right hand side, what the fuck Catwomans doing in the image is nobody’s business, but yes we are readu for life in the lower leagues this season, down but not dissmayed this is surely the sign of a true supporter, someone who still tunes in every Saturday even though he’s thousands of miles away. Someone who tortures his kids when his team gets beat, fuck did they suffer pain last year? The fixtures for 2007/2008 are out and already I have received messages regarding our strategy for this seasons away games. We will be playing teams who I have never heard of, didn’t even know they existed, but 1 things for sure I will be visiting some of the fuckers.

I don’t beleive it, she’s on the translator, ready to post on the message board about what she thinks of my blog style. You know, it’s a bit of a twat when you can’t get your wife to support you, don’t you think? They are all the fucking same. Wife. Washing, Ironing, Fucking Etc… Really pisses me off when she get’s like this. I would set the dog on her, but after eating her appendix, he’s probably decided the tastes not to his liking.

I don’t believe it, she’s gone and posted it on the message board, now this is war. I am pissed off now. In case no one has read it, here’s what she says.

The reason of my disagreement for Paul’s “BLOG”, is because it looks to me like an insult to the intelligence of people that do not agree with Paul’s opinion, this is an absolute lack of respect, like thinking about some of our clients, who do not share the same as Paul’s humor. (Black humor in my opinion)
Because someone doesn’t share the same way of thinking, does not give the right to be insulted, I believe in the difference of concepts and opinions and not in an absurd totalitarianism.
Though I share with Paul my life, often I do not agree with the way he has of expressing himself, in the same way as we demand respect for all our operation, the same way we have to offer the respect to you.
For nobody it is not a secret that demeaning Leeds United was a bad call, but it does not make responsible for any person who is a fanatic of another team, if Paul wants to offend anybody he should offend the players of LUFC, who are the failures who are playing badly, or he should go to complain with the administration of the same team.
As for the English men, with all respect, I say to them THAT THEY ARE NOT THE GODS OF THE WORLD.
Do not speak so much of wars that happened decades ago, speak about the present you lost your country, in this moment, there are mass immigrants now in England, you are losing your culture, in the schools Christmas is not even celebrated, not to offend those of different religion …..
With this I say goodbye my last message for Paul goes directly, you cannot tell me to f* Off because 50 per cent of this page is mine.

Attentivly Ana

Well I can’t agree with all that shit, can you? OK she has the
fucking opinion as me, quote ‘here are mass immigrants now in England, you are losing your culture, in the schools Christmas is not even celebrated’. That’s exactly the point I made last week about us Brits being treated as 2nd class citizens. We’ve covered the respect bit, so that’s ok. The 50% bit, well what can I say, i’ll have the Fuck and she can have the Off, that sounds like a deal.

Good night, it’s past my bed time.

Ana had an operation on Monday. All that pain last week turned out to be appendicitis and not a bowling injury as I had diagnosed. Must say the hospital was top notch, never saw the gay guy either. The rooms were excellent, as good as any I have ever seen anywhere. This was a great surprise and I take back what I said before. The best thing was that they actually gave her the appendix in a small jar, as a sort of souvenir, this was something new to me. I hate looking at shit like that, so when she got home I took then off her and fed them to Bobby. He seemed quite happy with them, 1 small gulp and they were gone. Funny thing them fucking appendix, from what I am led to believe they don’t actually do anything. Unless you’re from Yorkshire that is, where everything we have does something, even if it means feeding the dog with the bits they chop out.

Talking of Yorkshire, the village where I am from has a few famous people and organisations. None more important than the one founded by a very good friend of mine. It is the Flat Earth Society. Now before you fuckers laugh, this is a serious subject, us in the heart of Yorkshire believe the world to be flat and these guys have actually got proof of it. Formed in 1982 by Gary and Gordon It was formed with the sole intention of promoting the Earth’s flatness and convincing people, along the way, that the ’round Earth’ theory is completely out of date. It’s really quite simple. If the Earth was round, all the oceans would fall off, surely? If the Earth was round, wouldn’t aeroplanes have to be curved? All these questions are ones that ’round Earthers ‘ cannot answer. Thales of Miletus, a Greek astrologer in 500BC, once said the Earth was flat. He is the Society’s patron. Unfortunately, largely due to the fact that he is dead, he has been unable to attend any of our meetings up to date. During an in depth article in a local newspaper, relevant points were put, by the Society, to Derek Houghton of the West Yorkshire Astronomical Society. He had no answer to questions such as : Why do round bales of hay not roll whilst in a field? ( The Society has rare, photographic evidence of this). placed on a hill, it will not roll down. We also told him : When sat in any pub on the seafront, one can look our across the beach and towards the sea, everything appears perfectly flat. As the discussion came to a close, we told Mr Houghton, we were about to take part in a charity parachute jump. “Free falling has got nothing to do with gravity” he was told, “We only fall down because we weigh about 13 stone and can’t fly”
Preparations are currently under way to celebrate 20 years for the Kippax Flat Earth Society this summer – watch this space for details.

It would appear that action is now being taken in the UK, after people reading my blog. The latest episode in UK citizens being fucking discriminated against has rose it’s ugly head to a poor teenage school girl. The teenage girl has accused a school of discriminating against her Christian faith by banning her from wearing a “purity ring”. Lydia Playfoot told the High Court she is being unlawfully prevented from wearing the silver ring – her evangelical family is at the centre of the “Silver Ring Thing” movement – symbolising her Christian belief in chastity before marriage. Now this chastity before marriage thing, is in my opinion a load of bollocks, why keep the fucking thing till you get married? I mean no fuckers gonna wear it out are they? I had a pair of slippers made from the flesh of a womans pussy in 1961 and they are still like new today. OK Bobby keeps trying to fuck them and they do still hold a distict fishy smell, but these things have done more milage than Frank’s death machine and they are still unworn on the soles. But what concerns me is that the Millais School in Horsham, West Sussex, stopped her and several other Christian girls from wearing the rings on the basis that the uniform code did not allow the wearing of jewellery in school. But Muslim and Sikh students had been allowed to wear headscarfs and religious bracelets as part of their faith. See what I mean, the fucking terrorists can do what they want. Law abiding citizens get nothing.
The 16-year-old said that, although “proud” to be a pupil at the non-denominational school, “it does not afford equal rights to Christians”. I agree with her, and am busy knocking up a letter to the school to give them my thoughts.

Now if you want some drugged up sex this weekend, no not here you wankers, get to the Glastonbury Festival, it kicked off today as nearly 140,000 music fans brace themselves for the return of the event’s infamous mud bath.
Torrential rain and thunderstorms are expected to lash down on Worthy Farm throughout the three days, as forecasters predict another wash-out. Despite the gloomy forecasts, record numbers had already made the pilgrimage to the Somerset venue by this morning – determined not to let the weather ruin their fun. Most of the 80,000 revellers who were already on site came prepared for the worst, as T-shirts and shorts were tossed out of rucksacks in favour of heavy-duty wellingtons, anoraks and jumpers. Reports suggested that wellingtons are now selling for £80 outside the site. 80 quid for a pair of wellies, fuck me i’m in the wrong business. The festival, which is the largest greenfield event in the world, covers 900 acres in the mystical Vale of Avalon, which is claimed to be the site where King Arthur was buried. More than 700 acts will perform on 80 different stages over the three days.