I can never quite figure out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I have never figured out the this fucking Venus and Mars thing, just as I have never figured out why men think with their heads and women with their hearts. Last night Ana and I was getting into bed and you know how it goes. I fancied a fuck and started off in my most romantic pose, you know the one, ‘come on get yer legs open love’. She said “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to HOLD me for a while.” I said “WHAT??!! What the fuck you talking about?!” So she comes out with those dreaded words that we all hate to hear… “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled lookby saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in bed?” Realizing that I wouldn’t be getting a Leg Over, I went to sleep.

Today I thought about last night and decided to try and be nice to her for a change and spend some time with her. So I take her out for lunch and then went to the Sambil to do some shopping. I walked around with her while she tried on all these fucking expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to buy so I told her to just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with the fucking outfits, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. Then we go to the jewelry department where she picks out a pair of the most expensive diamond earrings. Fuck was she excited. She must have thought I was having a fucking mental block, as I am not known as person who likes to spend much, as those of you who know me will understand. Anyway I think she was testing my fucking patience because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play fucking tennis. She nearly had an orgasm when I said, “That’s fine, dear.” Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all I need, let’s go to the check out.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “Fuck the check out, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went red like a beetroot and her jaw dropped to her fucking knees with a startled WHAT?”

I then said “Ana! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” And just as she got that i’m gonna fucking kill you look, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

Happy New Year

It was so fucking easy. Everyone, well almost everyone was a millionaire, 1,000,000 Bv’s was equal to $500 or 250 quid. From Tuesday when they knock all the 00’s off it will mean that to be a millionaire you now need $500,000 which is a bit much in my eyes. What do we tell the kids now, “your dad’s no longer a millionaire’ can you imagine what this can do to the kids minds”? They must be thinking, “what’s he spent the fucking cash on?” I mean Ana can spend for Venezuela, in fact if it was an Olympic sport she would be in the running for a gold medal but to blow a million overnight, even she would need 2 hours to do it in. All those pants and shorts I have collected over the years, the ones with 20 pockets in them so we have somewhere to put all the bills, they are now no good. So we not only lose our status we actually have to go out and buy new fucking clothes now as well. I mean those with all the pockets do make you look a bit of a twat and there is no way I would wear them if it wasn’t for the fact that you needed 3 pockets to fit the bills to but a loaf of bread and 2 pints of milk.

I was trying to watch the soccer today, I was in such a good mood after the scum got beat yesterday I thought I would settle in and watch Liverpool v Man City on ESPN. However Ana had other ideas and insisted I sat and had dinner with the family so I faced the normal conflict of which was more important – the football game on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant conversation before fucking off to the T.V. room to turn on the match. Several minutes later, Ana comes in and brings a cup of tea for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was half time and that the score was still Nil – Nil. “See?” she said, with that fucking devious look that I hate, “You didn’t miss a fucking thing.” What more can I say???

I was looking at a few emails from a very good friend of mine from my Leeds United days, Gary Edwards (aka Snake) . A great lad and quite a comedian to go with it. Amongst many other things, including drinking loads of lager Gary is a founder of our local Flat Earth Society and I thought it relevant to give an insight to a few things that they like to discuss.
It’s really quite simple. If the Earth was round, all the oceans would fall off, surely? If the Earth was round, wouldn’t aeroplanes have to be curved? All these questions are ones that ’round Earthers ‘ cannot answer. The Earth,we are told, spins at approximately one thousand miles per hour. If this were the case, transport would no longer be necessary. Anyone wishing to travel, for example, to the Scotch Corner from Wetherby, would simply have to establish the correct position at Turnpike services, jump 12 inches in the air, and upon landing the traveller would arrive at Scotch Corner.
Thales of Miletus, a Greek astrologer in 500BC, once said the Earth was flat. He is the Society’s patron. Unfortunately, largely due to the fact that he is dead, he has been unable to attend any of the meetings so far.
During an in depth article in the Castleford and Pontefract Express, relevant points were put, by the Society, to Derek Houghton of the West Yorkshire Astronomical Society. He had no answer to questions such as : Why do round bales of hay not roll whilst in a field? ( The Society has rare, photographic evidence of this). – Why, when a flat object such as a ruler, is placed on a hill, it will not roll down. We also told him : When sat in any pub on the seafront, one can look our across the beach and towards the sea, everything appears perfectly flat. As the discussion came to a close, they told Mr Houghton, they were about to take part in a charity parachute jump. “Free falling has got nothing to do with gravity” he was told, “We only fall down because we weigh about 13 stone and can’t fly”
Preparations are currently under way to celebrate 20 years for the Kippax Flat Earth Society this summer. Gary is also an author with 2 books published and another on it’s way and he also has a page in the pro gramme at Leeds United. As he did an article about us, with lots of pics with the  girls in Leeds United colours I thought it only fair to give him a bit of a arse lick. If anyone wants to have a great read from a great guy the books are Paint it White and The Second Coat. In his dedication to Leeds United, Gary Edwards has no rivals. He has seen every Leeds game since 17 January 1968, home and away. League, Cup and Europe. And pre-season friendlies. Hell, he even watches the reserves in his spare time. Following Leeds, he’s been there, done that and designed the T-shirt. Although a painter and decorator-cum-signwriter-cum-cartoonist, he’s never taken a break from his life as a full-time football fan. He’s made a name for himself covering over red paint with white for free. He’s visited every country in Europe and flown all over the rest of the world to watch Leeds play. If Leeds organised a five-a-side on the moon, he’d be on the first shuttle flight there. Travelling the world to watch hundreds of players run around acres of grass, he’s also found time to drink gallons of ale, see oceans of flesh and protect hundreds of animals. He’s saved lobsters in Barcelona, clay pigeons in Worksop, frogs in Kuala Lumpur and worms – yes, worms – in Yorkshire. He’s been shot at in Greece, run over in Denmark, frightened the king in Sweden and had a beer with an elephant in Bangkok.

Can you image how many miles Gary has traveled to watch every game, home or away in 40 years, now if that isn’t dedication I don’t know what is. It makes me proud to be a Leeds Supporter. Now buy his book you tight bastards…….

So here we are another year nearly over and we leave December with a bang in many ways. As most of you will know we had a lot of controversy with a pro gramme shown on UK television last week. Anyone wanting to my reaction can read it on the adult vacation forum. At least now all the do gooders from the UK have stopped emailing me and I can have a little peace. I can’t believe that anyone from the UK can try and tell other people how to run their lives or businesses when they live in such a fucking shit hole? A Country full of crime, illegal immigrants, a Government that couldn’t organise you a fuck at the resort and 20% of the fucking Country claiming benefits that are paid for from the taxes of workers. Crime is up, unemployment is up, drug abuse is at it’s highest level, if you’re a pensioner you can forget about any major surgery, that goes to the immigrants. If some breaks in your house, let him get on with it because if you attack him YOU get fucking nicked and not the burglar. So all you UK do gooders, do me a favour and fuck off will you. Get your own house in order before you criticise us. For fucks sake, look around the corner, open your eyes, blow jobs at 50 quid a shot are rampant in any City in the UK.You can learn a lot from the behaviour of other nations, including ours. On Christmas Eve I took Ana and her Dad out for a meal. There we were all sat at tables where a bottle of whiskey was an essential part of the booking for everyone. No whiskey no reservation. If we were in England now, or for that matter any EU Country and even some in the US, can you imagine a restaurant full of people where each table must divulge in a bottle of whiskey?? How long would it take us before we killed each other, or at least tried to kill each other with hand bags at 5 paces?? How much trouble did I see in the Restaurant? Zero. So what does that say about all you snobby twats in suburbia Britain? For fucks sake you can’t walk down the street after dark on your own if you value your life, or at least your wallet. At least we celebrated Christmas here, in the UK they can’t celebrate anymore in the traditional way in case it offends the immigrants, mostly Muslim I hasten to add. Now what the fuck is that all about? No more White Chritmas, no more Chritmas Carols in School because they are ethnicly incorrect?? And now for the best of all Mohammed is set to overtake Jack as the most popular boys’ name in Britain as a result of the high birth rate in Muslim families, which is driving the British population to a record high.A report from the Office of National Statistics says the highest birth rates are in the Pakistani and Bangladeshi communities, both predominantly Muslim. Jack was the most popular boys’ name last year, chosen for 6,928 babies. Mohammed – taking into account all of its variant spellings – overtook Thomas to lie in second place with 5,991 babies named. I find it funny that a teddy called Mohammed was a blasphemy for that School Teacher but anyone can call a kid by that name. Its not usual to call Christian children Jesus in the UK. However the popularity of Mohammed shows just how many children are being born to muslim parents here.
Muhammad Anwar, a professor of ethnic relations at Warwick University, said: “Muslim parents like to have something that shows a link with their religion. “The Muslim population is generally young and you expect a higher birth rate.”
Economic migrants from eastern Europe have also helped to boost the population, which is set to rise to 65 million by 2017 – an increase of five million.

By 2031, the population will be over 70 million. I am truly saddened by this news, but what I find even more depressing is the fact that I’m not surprised by it; judging by the rapid growth of non-indigenous people in Britain over the last decade alone.

The Labour Government who I have slated on this blog before don’t have a clue what’s happening out their. The PM and majority of his front bench ministers all Scottish to start with. So a bunch of fried Mars Bar eating Sheep Shaggers are now dictating what we do and when we do it. The police force is balloting to have the right to go on strike, over a paltry 200 quid that the Government is holing back from them. Not in Scotland though, it doesn’t effect them as they get the money. So the Goverment in London is looking after the Scottish Police and saying fuck you to the English cops, talk about a fucked up Country. The home secretary has announced that police officers in England and Wales will receive a 2.5% pay rise. The increase is backdated to 1 December and will see all officers paid a minimum of £21,500, while those with the longest service receiving £33,800. Officers’ groups are angry the award was not backdated to September, unlike in Scotland. The Police Federation is considering balloting its members to bring back the right to strike. If they go on strike it won’t make any difference to the jails and prisons though because they are all full. No more room for anyone. No wonder half of Eastern Europe is flocking here to get there free hand outs, knowing that crime really does pay in the UK.
A UK Newspaper has apparently obtained details of the Christmas menus from four North East jails under Freedom of Information Act legislation. The ‘paper claims that prisoners “are set for a festive treat, as tasty meals including pork shoulder, honey roast vegetables, salmon steak and chestnut and apple roast” – all paid for, of course, by the taxpayer.
It is further claimed that Home Office figures estimate it costs £2 to £3 a day to feed each prisoner in jail – which is considerably more than that allocated to feeding our servicemen and women, and certainly more than the cost of providing a meal in a NHS hospital!

“This year, the Christmas lunch menu at Frankland features roast turkey, chipolata sausages and a chestnut and apple roast. Frankland has housed some of the country’s most notorious criminals, including violent robber Charles Bronson and David Bieber, who is serving life for shooting Leeds PC Ian Broadhurst on Boxing Day 2003.

Also serving life are armed robbers Muzzaker Imitiaz Shah, 26, and Yusuf Abdillh Jama, 20, convicted of murdering PC Sharon Beshenivsky in Bradford. Al Qaeda terrorist Dhiren Barot, Osama bin Laden’s European terror supremo, is serving 30 years at the jail. The Muslim, who was admitted to hospital in Newcastle after being scalded by oil during a prison fracas in July, will tuck into Halal roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.”

In addition Castington young offenders institution near Morpeth is allegedly hosting a Christmas Eve supper of mince pies, satsumas and hot chocolate, whereas HMP Acklington will be providing a full English breakfast, traditional roast then a cold teatime buffet!

Meanwhile, in towns and cities the length of Britain, Old Age Pensioners can’t afford to heat there houses and discharged servicemen can be found selling copies of the Big Issue and/or living rough through lack of government support!

DEERBOLT’S OFFERINGS
Roast turkey with cranberry sauce, with bacon & chipolata sausages and chestnut stuffing;
Or pork shoulder with sage & apple stuffing, bacon & chipolata sausages, nut roast and spicy tomato sauce;
Roast potatoes;
Creamed potatoes;
Baton carrots;
Honey roast parsnips;
Brussels sprouts;
Roast gravy;
Christmas pudding & brandy sauce;
Fresh cream trifle.

FRANKLAND JAIL’S MENU
A choice between:
Chestnut or apple and cranberry roast;
Salmon steak and dill sauce;
Halal chicken breast and cranberry sauce;
Roast turkey and chipolata sausage;
Halal roast beef in jus’lie and Yorkshire pudding;
Fruit cocktail
Vegan Christmas pudding and sauce;
Christmas pudding and rum sauce.

Now how can you justify food like this for scum? So once again all you Do Gooders in the UK, Fuck Off and get your own house in order.

Whilst sipping on a nice cup of tea the other day I was perusing the news articles on the internet. In doing so I chanced upon an article celebrating the many “gaffes” made by our very own Prince Philip. Taken in the right spirit these are, of course, all very amusing. There are also those who would use these perceived gaffes as an excuse to further lambast the Monarchy using “Big Phils” terminology as an example of how out of touch the Royals are with the “common man”. Well of course they’re “out of touch” they’re the Royal fuckin’ Family you’re not going to see them queuing up in fuckin’ Tescos are you? So what if his “terminology” is slightly “out of step” with what is now considered to be right and proper. This is a man who served in WW II, he grew up in an era when “Nigger Black” was a colour rather than a racist remark, in an era when people could speak in a direct and frank way to each other without fear of being sued by some wanker who has been waiting for an opportunity to make some money out of another’s often innocent mistake in the language they use.

Anyway, without further ado let us enjoy some of the remarks made by “The Prince of Impropriety”:

The god of gaffes, Prince Philip can always be relied on to put his foot firmly in his mouth at the most inopportune of moments. The gleeful acts of gaucherie he habitually commits while going about his official duties are rivalled only by those of the blooper-prone US  President.

“They must be out of their minds.” (In 1982, in the Solomon Islands, after being told that the annual population growth was only 5%)

“Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf.” (In 1999, to young deaf people in Cardiff, referring to a school’s steel band)

“It looks as if it was put in by an Indian.” (In 1999, referring to an old-fashioned fuse box in a factory near Edinburgh)

“Bloody silly fool!” (in 1997, referring to a Cambridge University car park attendant who failed to recognise him)

“We didn’t have counsellors rushing around every time somebody let off a gun, asking ‘Are you all right? Are you sure you don’t have a ghastly problem?’ You just got on with it.” (Commenting in 1995 on modern stress counselling for servicemen)

“Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed.” (During the 1981 recession)

“Still throwing spears?” (Question put to an Australian Aborigine during a visit in March 2002)

“Oh no, I might catch some ghastly disease.” (In 1992 in Australia, when asked to stroke a Koala bear)

“Your country is one of the most notorious centres of trading in endangered species in the world.” (In 1991, in Thailand, after accepting a conservation award)

“You can’t have been here that long – you haven’t got a pot belly.” (In 1993, to a Briton in Budapest, Hungary)

“Aren’t most of you descended from pirates?” (In 1994, to an islander in the Cayman Islands)

“You managed not to get eaten, then?” (In 1998, to a student who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea)

“If it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane, and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it.” (At a 1986 World Wildlife Fund meeting)