Not a sausage, I was gutted. Now if you go on these fishing adventures you expect to catch fish. All afternoon on a boat, tossing you up and down all the time isn’t fun I can assure you, so to come home empty handed just isn’t cricket as far as I am concerned. I mean if you go for a all inclusive adult vacation to the Dominican Republic you know what to expect and in general they will deliver what they say. Fishing is a completely different ball game. There are so many factors involved, the moon, the temperature of the water, the size of your bait, the colour of the bait, the skippers knowledge and the anglers ability to name just a few. Yes this fishing experience isn’t like the Girlfriend Experience at all. It’s 20 times more difficult. So homeward bound we go back to the resort and a few cold ones before dinner. That was my intention, Ana on the other hand decided to fish from the jetty where the boats were tied up for the night. I told her I thought it would be a waste of time but was ignored as usual. She returned about 45 minutes later with no fish and about 80 Mosquito bites, I won’t tell how funny I thought that was. Sat having a beer, listening to Mr. Little telling me about the one that got away, it was all too much for me. I thought about going for a shower before dinner but to me fishing is like camping, I set off with 1 pair of shorts, 1 T.Shirt, 1 pair of socks and they last till I return. A pair of boxers last 4 days if you use both sides and turn them inside out after 2 days, so when I travel on a fishing trip, I travel light. This does create the odd comment from my beloved about me being a smelly bastard, but I can handle that. So the shower was canceled, more beers were consumed and then a hearty supper was eaten, followed by about 1lb of Caramel Ice Cream. Lovely. Back to the room, off with the Shorts and T.Shirt, socks and undies stay on, the socks to prevent the Mozzie bites on the ankles and the undies in case I go for a piss and do dribble. Eyes closed and straight to sleep. Deep dreams about Tarpon all night, that makes a change from dreaming about Linda Lovelace. I always dream that I am choking her? In my dreams, in my dreams.

I don’t do a great deal of Saltwater fishing, so the tackle and tactics are different to what I usually do but I can adapt as any great tradesman can. So we started off our afternoon by trolling, probably invented by a alcoholic, you throw the line in with a lure on the end, put the rod in a holder, lie back, drink a beer and wait. Nothing to it. 8 beers later I am still waiting. This is like 90 minutes up and down over waves, about 90 degrees and not a tadpole to be seen, great. The problem with fishing on a boat with your wife is that if you aren’t catching anything you have to strike up conversation, now that was proving difficult on day as she was pissed off with me. I couldn’t really speak with Manuel the skipper because all I could talk to him about was why he had picked the only spot in the Ocean with no fish?? I don’t think he was very amused when I, in that great Hibiscus tradition kept telling him I would be changing tomorrow. I changed my lure about 50 times, red, green, blue, yellow, big ones, small one, you name it I tried the fucker. All to no avail. As we are drifting along we see a boat in the near distance the same shape and colour as ours, it was Little and Large and we we get closer to them I can see the midget has his rod bent. I was gutted, I couldn’t stand it any more, I could imagine the comments this evening in the bar whilst I listen to him fucking bragging about his fish and how many did I catch? Bastard. If you look at the image you will see that little is standing whilst playing his small fish and large is actually seated. What a pair. Anyway I now believe in God because I only prayed for about 10 seconds when the fish got off. What a result that was. He’s very lucky I didn’t finish the whole prayer or that wave in the distance would of got the twat.

1-30pm and time to hit the waves. This is what we came for, Tarpon Fishing. They are supposed to be one of the best fighters in the World and rumour had it that a few of them had my name on them. So off we go, pack the boat with rods that look to be as thick as broom handles, ice box of course with a few beers in and sit waiting for Sleeping Beauty to get on board. Little and Large are doing the same thing on their boat and they set off about 10 minutes before us as their team were both awake and fresh. My team was only 50% awake and fresh. I thought of chucking her in the water, might freshen her up I thought. My favorite when she’s sleeping is to take a mouth full of water, get my Dick out and place it in my hand, pointing at her face from a distance of about 3 feet. Then slowly squirt water at her from my mouth, when she opens her eyes it’s instant wake up, believe me. I wanted to do that but then she kicks the shit out of me and my pain threshold isn’t too good now I have reached 30. No Perry that’s not a fucking spelling mistake.
Another thing that pisses her off is when I wipe my dick on the curtains after I finish fucking. I don’t know how that could offend anyone.?? Anyway back to battle, she eventually arrives and gets on board and we sail down the river for about 15 minutes before we get to the river mouth and the entrance to the ocean. The wildlife and scenery along the river is fantastic, birds I have never seen before, flowers of all colors, it realy is stunning and I would recommend it to anyone. We even saw a few of Ana’a family basking on a tree, looking over at us as we sail by. I am not sure about that smirk on his face, he must see something in my wife that I have missed. Or maybe he was just laughing at me, thinking, look at that mad fucker going out to sea on a day like this? I don’t know but he sure looked happy. He had the face of a choirboy who has just finished wanking. The water starts getting a little choppy as we reach river mouth and the entrance to the sea can be a difficult place to get through as it’s just a big sand bank that moves all the time so todays route out may not be available tomorrow. I had all my faith in Manuel the skipper, not because I trusted him but because there was nobody else on board to have any confidence in. I was dreading a mishap, I am a strong swimmer but I am not sure I am strong enough to drag her along with me as well. I suppose I would have to just leave her for the sharks, who would probably take one bite and fucking spit her out. Luckily we managed to get over the breakers and into the ocean, where we revved up and went on a 20 minute sail to where the fish were supposed to be.

How it works here is this, Breakfast is at 6am, much to Ana’s horror, then after breakfast you tell your guide what you want to do and where you want to do it. You can go fishing in the rivers and lagoons for Jungle fish, you can go further downstream for Snoek or you can go in the Ocean and Estuary and try and catch Tarpon, that’s the main species and this area is renowned as one of the best in the World for Tarpon fishing. Or if you wish you can go cruise the river looking at wildlife and jungle species, it’s your day to spend as you wish. You then return later in the morning at aound 11am, lunch is served at 11-30am and is followed by the traditional Siesta. At 1-30pm it all starts again and you decide what you want to do and return at around 5-30pm, where everyone sits around the outside bar and talks about the one that got away before dinner which is served at 6-30pm. Everyone then goes to the inside bar after dinner as the fucking mosquitoes are out and about outside at this time. A few beers and it’s bed time. We were usually in bed each night for 8pm and awoke to sound of screeching Monkeys each morning at around 5am. As it was around 9am when we had finally got organized on the first morning we decided to just cruise round the river for a couple of hours and try and catch some Jungle fish. 2 hours later and it was 4-0 to Paul, 4 Bluegill against Ana’s nothing. This to me is more important that winning the lottery, beating her at fishing is all I live for and recent trips have not been very fruitful for me as most of you all know. Anyway it was nice to ride back to the lodge in silence, she’s a fucking horrible loser. I guess my song, “4 nil to the champion” didn’t go down too well with her, but hey, who gives a fuck? Anyway a quick float back to the resort, in total fucking silence of course, which suited me, champion I thought, got her fucking quiet on the first day, that must be a bonus.
We got back just after 11am, time for a few cold ones before lunch. As I am sat at the outside bar a boat arrives with 2 guys who were also staying at the lodge. Little and Large was my name for them, one was 4ft 7inch and the other was 7ft 4inch, I kid you not. Talk about laugh when lofty keeps banging his head in every door and light shade he passes. Anyway greetings are exchanged, the short fuckers a total dick, reminds me of Eduardo Miguel, the arsehole that used to visit me when I was on the Island. The sort of guy you would love to give some slap therapy to. I nearly asked this twat if he also wanked in his underpants like Eduardo, you know I thought it may be a fucking disease, I like to know these things. Yes Eduardo, be afraid, be very fucking afraid before you start mouthing off about my troop of followers. (More about that later) Anyway after our little chat about the ones that got away the dinner bell sounds and we all troop off like a herd of cows to go and grab some nosh. I have to say the food was very good, no choices given but what we were served was excellent. After lunch and a coffee we had time to kill before the 1-30 fishing session, most people take a well earned siesta, I looked at her miserable looking mug and decided to look around the lodges gardens instead.

Casa Mar Lodge is on the banks of a river, all the buildings are built on stilts, I suppose that’s a precautionary measure in case it floods. Theirs a small jetty with 6 river boats and 6 sea boats moored up. The main colour believe it or not was Adult Vacation Hibiscus Green which made me have a chuckle to myself. Lot’s of trees and plants and the first impression I had was a good one, it had that sort of comfy look to it.
We get out of the boat, step on the Jetty, walk 5 yards and she screams, “what the fuck is wrong now” I ask? She just looks at me and then looks to her right, I follow her sight, scream myself, shit 3 turds and try and jump in Manuels arms, but she’s fucking beaten me to it. There about 4 feet away from us a Crocodile. Now I can assure you I aint afraid of any man, but when it comes to Croc’s I’m no fucking Steve Irwin. This thing may only look small in the image but I am not afraid to say that to me it looked fucking massive. “OK Manual, what times the next flight out of here?” I ask. He just laughs at me, drops Ana and starts to gather the luggage. I run to the toilet, clean up the 3 turds that appeared when I saw the Croc and make my way to the dining room, where a full breakfast and a beer were waiting for me. I am introduced to the manager, Lefty, a great guy, he has looked after this place for 40 years so if anyone knows this area he’s the one. He runs us through a few things and explains how it all works, our luggage is now in the room and we go have a quick piss and a wash and we are ready for our first fishing trip.